Health and Safety - By Mills

This is an important health and safety announcement.

As soon as I realized my sperm count was low in 2007, I should have heeded the warning signs and protected my sperms at all costs. I should have played God, instead I played up. You have to stay healthy if you're considering IVF.

The first time I saw the team at Fertility Associates they re-iterated that alcohol has a negative effect on your sperm count. Whoops! Regular boozing can damage 'the tube' (it's like a train station) that carries the sperm from the balls.

It makes me sad to think my 2 sperms (I call them Alastair and Bruce) were doing it hard on 'the inside', because I was misbehaving on the outside. My binge drinking over the years has likely slowed them down and made it difficult for them to catch ‘the tube’ to work. I would like to publicly apologise to them and I promise to rehabilitate myself well in advance of my next official ejaculation.

I’ve consumed a lot of coffee over the years too, sometimes 5 or 6 cups a day. It became a habit around 1995 when I was the lowest performing tax accountant in the Asia/Pacific region. I’m not a tax accountant anymore, it made me sad, but I continue to drink coffee, which makes me happy. Or does it? I’m not even sure I like the taste and it makes for an uncomfortable bathroom visit after to ‘unleash hell’. They reckon coffee can reduce your sperm count, but a Brazilian study from 2003 concluded that caffeine can actually boost motility and give the boys some sense of direction. So should I keep drinking it or kick it in the balls?

One thing I must do is stay cool. I cannot wear tight pants or they might stack my balls against my body and heat up my sperms like a furnace. I also can’t have spas or baths or rest my laptop on my groin.

I gotta stay cool and let the little fellas breathe.

The trouble is I’ve been traveling a lot recently and flying can be stressful. I’m worried the cramped living conditions on long haul flights will lead to Category 5 ball trauma, especially if I’m sitting on them for an extended period of time. I always try and get an aisle seat so I can take Alastair and Bruce for a brisk walk down the aisle as and when needed. I’ll take them down the back and sing to them or just chat to them about the realistic chances of conceiving a child. Sure I might get weird looks from passengers waiting to paintball the toilets, but I'd rather my sperms know the odds are stacked against us (a bit like my balls when I'm wearing tight pants).



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