I was a little nervous when I arrived at Fertility Associates for Vorny’s egg collection and my semen collection. Probably because I’ve heard egg collection can be uncomfortable for the female and partly because I knew the semen collection would be another weird love triangle between me, a tiny receptacle and another Woman’s Day magazine.
All in solitary confinement with a lone chair and no wall art.
It started badly. I couldn't see a Woman’s Day magazine anywhere. No sign of it at all and I didn’t have my phone to Google any images. I started freaking out. What would I use to lubricate the senses? How will I get a visual to send my troops into battle? It took 2 paces from one wall to the other for me to realize I didn't actually need a magazine. I just saw one in there last time and I thought it was the norm. All I had to do was picture my beautiful wife riding a stallion (a horse) in the nude or showing me her pillows at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
And while I was dreaming, it suddenly became clear.
These semen collections can sometimes feel unromantic and clinical when it’s actually an opportunity to exercise the ‘muscle’. And by that I mean the imagination. I mean I’m a flippin’ actor and I was using a magazine! I gave myself a slap on the wrist. I had to try harder. So I closed my eyes, clenched my teeth and started riding the edge of reason. And once I’d locked in an image, she was all systems go. I was Tim Robbins in Shawshank sanding my ‘little boat’ on a remote Mexican beach. And Vorny was riding towards me on a bored Shetland pony. Dave Dobbyn was singing a tune. Conditions were perfect. It was a little cloudy, but mostly sunny. I was wearing Speedos. And Vorny was in chiffon. I greeted her with a bottle of bubbles and some cracked pepper pate. It was epic. It was amazing. It was just what God intended. I forgot where I was for that very short time. Just like Nicholas Cage in the movies, I was gone in 60 seconds.
With my opening act out of the road, I returned to the green room where Vorny was waiting for her debut. I opened the door and there she was sitting in a nighty. The window was ajar and her hair was blowing gently in the breeze. And she looked exactly like the image I was just trying to create. So while I was using mind control and sanding my bloody boat, I could’ve had the real thing just down the way.
Vorny was about to take the stage and this was going to be some production. There were entrances and exits from all the lead characters, including the embryologist, the anaesthetist and Fertility Fingers herself, Doctor Mary Birdsall. They all certainly looked their parts and all projected well as they informed us who their characters were and how the play would unfold.
As we made it into the theatre, I found a seat next to Vorny’s long reclining chair. As the guest star, she sat centre-stage and as the lights went down, the production began. An orchestra of machines started playing as the anaesthetist stepped up and promptly knocked Vorny out. I nearly had a heart attack! What an awesome start! There were gasps from the crowd (me) who were almost on their feet. As I gripped Vorny’s hand and gazed at the screen, Fertility Fingers lurked in the shadows with a lightsaber sword. I shielded my eyes as she waved it around and shouted to the back row, "With this instrument, I shall find as many eggs as possible, Dylan." I was so bloody riveted, I didn't bother correcting my name. The crowd became still, until suddenly, with a flick of her wrist, she carefully inserted the lightsaber into Vorny's 'V'. Fertility Fingers grinned as she began syphoning fluid from Vorny's ovaries like a thief at a gas station. The crowd was transfixed. I’ve seen the movie Alien, but this was something else. I tapped Vorny’s hand to try and wake her up. I’ve heard actors should try and feel their roles, but she didn’t feel a thing. The 3 leads were bloody awesome and something to behold. Especially the embryologist who was filling test tubes with liquid like a drunk at happy hour (the eggs are in the liquid).
When the lights came up, I gave a standing ovation, but I was told to save my applause so as not to disturb Siobhan. I waited backstage for autographs but sadly no one came (except me an hour earlier). It was a truly humbling experience and one I certainly won’t forget.
The human body’s amazing.
So is my wife.
And so was the production at Fertility Associates.