Acting, Kissing and Sex

Wow. Apologies guys, we’ve been off the radar and haven’t blogged since the Ice Age!! But all is going well.

Vorny and I have been in Palmerston North, NZ for the last month frantically rehearsing a play called The Love List at the Centrepoint Theatre. It opened on February 17 and the rehearsal process was harder than a goat’s knee. Maybe it was working like 30 hours a week. I’m used to maybe 5 or 10. I think my last proper job was 1997. On the first day of rehearsals, I saw the director (the beauty Dan Pengelly) watch me with his mouth agape as I slowly walked around the room like a confused sloth who thought he heard a doorbell. I can’t multitask, it just takes me a while to figure out where to move AND deliver my lines. My mind also wanders like a naughty bird, which does makes it tough for the rest of the cast. Once the director asked me why I was smiling during an emotional scene. I told him I was thinking about a trip to Fiji, when I won a cross dressing competition at the age of 8.

The weirdest part of rehearsals was having to watch Vorny, who was still struggling with morning sickness, kiss another man (luckily it was our good mate Aaron Ward). He felt awkward that I was watching, Vorny felt awkward because she didn't wanna throw up on him and I felt awkward because I didn't wanna have to pay for his dry cleaning. Luckily, extreme awkwardness equals good comedy. To Vorny's credit, she hasn’t puked on Aaron yet and now that we’re performing, the adrenaline of a live audience seems to have stemmed the flow of vomit from baby HQ. Maybe he/she is really into the play and can’t wait for 7.30pm each night. Or maybe he/she is bored shitless and hearing me spit out my words in a constant monotone knocks him/her out like an anaesthetic.

The baby is certainly a lively little thing though, or as the radiologist referred to him/her in our 15 week scan, “Hyperactive.” While she hated my dad jokes, she was really happy with Vorny’s and the baby’s progress. I took a video of the scan on my cheap Huawei phone, which also helped to mask my tears. The sight of that hyperactive little critter, bouncing around and giving me ‘the finger’ was one of the greatest ‘animated’ pieces of cinema I have ever seen. I immediately messaged the video to all our next of kin, “No sign of a penis, but we think it’s a boy.”

Vorny thought it may have been a girl at one point, after 2 recent dreams while she was sleeping. In the first, she was a female Kahawai (fish) swimming upstream and all the other female Kahawai were curtsying as she passed. In the second, she was confronted by a bossy female baby complaining about the shitty womb service, “I need some more blue Powerade!! Come on bitch!!” Blue Powerade (or Smurf Pee) really has been a lifesaver when curbing Vorny’s constant waves of nausea.

So far we haven’t had any scares, apart from one visit we had to the local hospital on the opening night of the play. It’s a little bit embarrassing so ‘huddle up, huddle up’. CAUTION: The below story is semi-graphic and may put some readers off...

...we haven’t really had much sex lately, because the play has been so exhausting and Vorny hasn’t felt consistently well. Anywhoo, one morning Vorny suggested we join forces and ‘bump uglies’. I was more excited than a seal at a clapping convention, so we quickly enjoyed 30 seconds of loving before heading to the local mall for something else to eat. A few hours later, I sat down to check my cheap Huawei phone. Then I turned around and saw Vorny crying uncontrollably on her phone. I hadn't seen her cry like that since she saw me in some awful TV ads, so naturally I thought a family member/pet was in trouble. As we scurried off to the car, Vorny said her underwear had just filled with a watery fluid. After calling the midwife, she suggested it could be some amniotic fluid (the protective liquid around the growing fetus) and advised us to head straight to the Emergency Dept at the local hospital. We were both very scared and after a short wait, a Doctor did some initial tests before a Gynaecology team examined Vorny some more. Within minutes it became clear that everything was fine and that the fluid was likely a mixture of sperm (from 5 hours ago) and water (I’ve been drinking like a fish during the play rehearsals).

Bloody Nora!!

The hospital staff were pissing themselves. So was some other guy in the adjacent toilet - while he was giving a urine sample.

Better tell the grandkids about that one. xxxx

(PS - We had a great Opening Night of the play. I think the scare was just the extra dose of adrenaline we needed!)

Stay tuned. Vorny's next blog is all about puking.

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